Did you know we are all made of stardust?

Tonight I was chatting to one of my tutor kids about confidence as we aim to increase hers. But we all know that telling someone to be more confident does not make them more confident.  In fact, it can do the opposite.

We started chatting about times we need to act confident – like sharing a poem in front of a class or presenting a talk, and how the thought of that makes us feel.  She found it a little hard to articulate her feelings.  This can be due to many things; in this case, I suspect that she was a little embarrassed. 

I explained that I share those very same feelings; in fact, I am feeling some of them tonight as I start a role as a lecturer at a university on Friday.  That is scary! Validating feelings helps kids understand that those feelings are legitimate.  Sharing that we experience them as well makes them normal.

She then told me I would be fine as I am awesome anyway.  How often have we seen adults do that to each other or kids?  It is comforting to say, but it does not help us feel fine.  The platitude is as helpful as a chocolate teapot!  I explained that I have age and practice on my side, so that helps.  I also have experience, which lets me know I will survive.  She is a kid; she has limited experience.

I explained that the feelings I have are the same as she has.  We started to explore them because sometimes kids find it easier to explore their feelings by talking about someone else, so I asked how she thought I might feel.  She suggested I would be nervous.  I then encouraged her to consider the physical symptoms, from butterflies in the tummy to a racing heart, sweating palms to tense shoulders etc. 

Taking the time to do this reassures her that when she has all of this, it is totally normal. 

We then talked about things we could do to help us feel better in those situations, and I shared my magic tricks. 

Trick one – I wear my confidence perfume! 

This is the perfume I put on every time I do something where I need a boost – from a night out with the girls to work meetings to presenting a lecture.  It is a reminder to breathe as I smell it.  Kids might want a wee touch of lavender essential oil on their cuff.

Trick two – my necklace

I have a locket with my parents in it.  Having them with me reminds me that I can do much more than I think.  I also have an acorn necklace.  That reminds me that it only takes small actions to make big things happen.  Like taking that first step to standing in front of a class.  That literal first step.  I can go from there.

Trick three – a link to a loved one

Whether both the kid and their parent wear a matching or drawing a dot on the middle of my hand and a loved one has a matching drop on theirs, we can have an invisible thread that links us together.  As an adult, I tend to use my phone in my pocket as that thread, but a kid doesn’t have that, so these wee things can help –make sure not to wash it off!

Trick four –see it and breathe

I do a lot of breathing, relaxation techniques and visualisation with my tutor kids.  We start by taking three to five deep breaths, then close our eyes and imagine we are there.  It might be in front of a class, at a gymnastics competition, or anything.  We then talk through the whole process and imagine it. 

You see, our brains (not us) are incredibly stupid.  If we do this well, focusing on the senses and making it seem real, the brain thinks we have already done whatever scares us.  This means that we find it much easier when it comes time to do it. 

Trick five – we are all stars.

That isn’t just a phrase but is scientifically proven.  Most of the elements of our bodies were formed in stars over billions of years and multiple star lifetimes.

Even more exciting, we may also be a little bit big bang!  It is possible that some of our hydrogen (which makes up roughly 9.5% of our bodies) and lithium, which our body contains in very tiny trace amounts, originated from the Big Bang.

So, no matter how I do, I am a literal star anyway and can shine – even when I am scared.  Kids love that!

I am a fish.  Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Now, I admit, like many folks, I believed that work meant you could overcome most things.  I am 40 years of age.  Telling me, I could not do something lit a fuse inside me; I would do it if only to prove you wrong.

A big part of why I am such a good tutor is that I will keep trying to find the way that works for someone.  I have spent years reading up about mindset and attitude.  I believed that if you had the right mindset, didn’t give up, and gave your all, you could and would achieve. I took that attitude into my work. 

Then this last week happened. I tried the hardest thing I have ever come across. And I sucked at it. I tried to ride a motorcycle.  At first, my instructor Marcin (from BMW, Dalkeith), my husband Ian (who was also doing his CBT) and I laughed, and humour got me through the repeated topples.  Then I got frustrated, though I quickly got out of that one as a frustrated mind cannot learn.  Then I got curious.  You see, I enjoyed riding the motorbike.  But still, I could not stay upright.

The worst moment was while standing still, straddling the bike and talking to my instructor, Marcin, I fell over.  I just toppled to the side for no reason.  That led to some proper belly laughing.  But I got back up, Marcin picked the bike up, and I tried again. 

Every time I hit the deck, I got right on up.

I have wanted a bike for more than twenty years. I wanted to do this. I believed I could do this.  I just needed to keep trying.

My technical skills progressed, but my balance did not.  You can only progress to learning properly and get out of the yard if you are upright.  Unfortunately, I was not spending enough time upright.

I didn’t want to let anyone down.  From the tutor kids who have the courage to try, try and try again to my husband.  We had dreamed of packing the camper, towing the bikes to the off-beaten track, and exploring.  I had planned with friends to go out on the bike with them.  I had even thought of using it for work, attending schools to provide outdoor learning advice and dreaming about the easy parking a motorcycle would afford (school carparks can be a nightmare!)  And my poor instructor who had the patience of a saint (and the strength of ten bears with how often he had to scoop that bike back up off the ground!).

I kept pushing on, falling off and getting right back on again. 

Marcin was fantastic.  He reassured me we could take as long as was required.  There was no pressure, and I loved riding – even if my legs were turning attractive shades of blue and purple!  He was also a great investigator, trying to determine where the trouble was coming from.  It wasn’t my seating position; that was good.  I had stopped tensing up and relaxed.  I could steer pretty well.  My clutch control was nice.  I was enjoying it.  All the basic building blocks were there.  Still, I could not stay upright.

Our breakthrough came when I missed something he said.  You see, I have a deep dark secret that I have not been comfortable sharing with people; only my immediate family and a couple of friends knew.  I have moderate hearing loss in both ears.  A private test at the tail end of last year showed I need hearing aids for both ears, and I am currently waiting for my NHS referral to come through.  So, missing what was said led me to explain to Marcin that I had hearing loss.  He was fantastic and took away much of my worry about telling people.  As he said, knowing meant he could support me more.  He was brilliant. 

I had not appreciated that hearing loss due to damage in the ear is closely linked to balance issues. I have many of the hallmarks of damage, from tinnitus to general clumsiness; I am quick to feel motion sickness and of course, the hearing loss itself.  So it could be that the damage that we know is there is causing balance issues. It is all the same areas, after all.

So, knowing there may be a physical reason why I cannot stay upright, I gave up (for now).  While I wait for my hospital referral, there isn’t a lot I can do.  But, with my husband having passed his CBT and hopefully getting his full licence by the end of next week, I am looking forward to riding pillion soon and maybe, one day, if the hospital can help, getting back and learning to ride for myself!

And as for the tutor kids, I felt I was letting them down.  In fact, I felt like a total hypocrite. I encourage them to push on despite difficulties and find strategies that work, but I have come to a dead end myself.  But this failure will make me a better tutor. It will be good for them to hear that failure can be ok.  Yeah, right now, it hurts, and I am upset.  But there is always a way forward; it just might be via a side route and that is a lesson worth learning! 

And I have my route.  This is not the end. Once I see the hospital, we will know which road I will take, either as a rider or a passenger, and I will still be able to enjoy bikes.  It may not be in the way I want.   But if the hospital can fix it, I will return to BMW Dalkeith and get more lessons from Marcin!

Our sister company Love Outdoor Learning recently shared this and we think it is fab!